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Am I disconnected?

I work at my church. I participate in the planning meetings. I understand the concepts and the sermon series. I don't connect though. Why?

I am wondering out loud, why do I not feel what others feel during our services- is there something wrong with me?

I sat in staff meeting today hearing how the series impacted those in our community and I felt nothing. It is not that I don't care about what others feel- that I do care, but for myself- nothing. It is a general malaise. Maybe the planning aspect, or the seminary training, or my self study actually blocks me from hearing from God. I have heard that seminary students have trouble listening to a sermon after their training because they are listening with critical ears. I listen to hear the in depth clues and Greek terms that will help me see the scriptures more clearly. This may be preventing me from experiencing the big picture. I don't go for feelings in a sermon, but the textual issues and Greek words that frame God's word. It is not right or wrong, just stumping me.

I am disconnecting from the emotional connections in my community because...? Because I am so involved in the tasks, I forget to stop- shabat! I have known this and have tried to build community in staff and other leaders, but here I go again task oriented....Arrg!

I have been disconnecting from a lot lately. I think it has been difficult to deal with all that goes on in my life and others. I am constantly running- running away? running to? Hmmm?

Just thinking out loud here and wonder if anyone thinks like me.

Passages

A new thing: http://www.passagesatchristchurch.blogspot.com/

I have joined forces with other women in my church to launch a new thing. This is a new thing because we are creating a way for women to come together in alrger community to study God' Word with teaching in a small group format. We've combined the small group concept with a larger teaching section and worship-for the purpose of community.

I have been amazed at the way God has worked this all out. Why am I amazed-because I am surprised at my cooperativeness and lack of stubborness.

Yeah- I do not have all the answers. This collaboration was met with conflict and personality angst. I had to reframe my vision to allow others to shape and form their vision. Why is this vital? The product of this collaboration is so much bigger than what I could have done on my own. God graciously allowed my vision to actually come into fruition because of the ideas and vision of others. I simply tagged along. Now-this new thing has been birthed and we are off.

I desire for people (in this case women) to be transformed by God, His Word and Spirit. I want others to take joy from sitting at Jesus' feet and learning about the Kingdom of God. The life I live better reflect all my study or it is done in vain. For too long, I have observed others who have spent Wed. mornings in study after study- only to change themselves and not the larger community. I think this may have to do with my view of Kingdom building. As we are transformed, we affect those around us- both within the community of God and outside it. This is imperative. I am not questioning others transformation- but when we study for the purpose of gaining knowledge only and don't impact others- what are we really doing?

This new thing will be built around teaching others to learn for themselves. We will be giving the women readings and questions that will allow them to learn and study any other passage in Scripture later on. What a concept! Teaching how to learn! This is not new to anyone who loves God's Kingdom people. Transformation is done by the Spirit and not the teacher-but sometimes we get the privilege of pointing people toward that process. Yeah! :)

I pray for this new thing that we become contagious to those outside our community in order draw then in. Let's be the Kingdom of God that loves-reaches out and impacts their lives.

Is this too much to dream of....well, it is not my dream-so it is God that will bring His will to pass!

My First Wedding

I just officiated my first wedding. It was so great. Kelly and Mike were terrific and I was so blessed by their appreciation. This was a very real highlight to me- and confirmed to my husband, my calling. There is nothing like it when your passion meets God's calling.

So, besides real changes like my daughter in college, my life continues to astound me. What is it about moving along with God that changed your perspective every day.

How has God changed you this summer?

It's all NEW

Well, dropped off the oldest this past week for college. My husband and I are reflecting about the "feeling" we have. It is an overstatement to say this feeling is akin to losing someone to death, but it seems a close second. Now, I know that may seem over dramatic, but it definately is a loss. I said that it feels like I lost something very valuable (sentimental and familiar) and I will never have it back- but it does still exist somewhere. My husband said that he agreed with me, but for him it feels like the thing lost is just somewhere in the house and he just cannot find it. Last night, I started to ask when was my daughter getting home from work. It is just that this is all new.

Again, we dropped off my daughter this past wkk for college and she did not even turn around to wave as we left. For her, this is all new. She has a new beginning and life to live, it's just us parents and sibling left with this "feeling." Ahh, but does it have to hurt? She is blissfully unaware that we feel anything (OK, I admit I cried in front of her a week ago). Our lives stop to her- I remember what this was like when I went away. It is all just so new.

I guess all new moments have to change us someway. They have to change us from one emotion to another in order for us to realize something is different. If we are happy and peacefully content, we will not know we are like that until something rocks the boat. It is similarly like that. We were enjoying it all, until this shift- and the sadness seems to highlight the past 18 years of joy. Not that parenting this child is all done, but that it is just so new.

I am thankful for the opportunity to watch a child leave on healthy terms and wait in anticipation for the woman she will become, but for now, its all so new, and it hurts a bit.

Eighteen and other such BIG numbers

Well, my beautiful daughter turns eighteen this week and it hasn't quite hit me yet. Well, it has, its just I am maintaining equilibrium.

After much to do about math....she is graduating and completing her education (ha!). This is just bringing relief and malaise from her, but for her dad and me, it is a time to look back and remember. Oh, not her, this is about our graduation from high school.

I was thinking the other day that my senior year was just icky. I was so not there. I think I just was in limbo land. I did not want to move on in life, yet I was so sick of school. I thought about my memories, and I can only remember class day and graduation for my freshmen, sophomore, and junior years (I was in the choir and we got to attend class day and grad. in order to sing. These times I thought about those leaving. By the time it was my turn, I had been jaded by those that had returned to "visit" teachers. I thought this was so creepy-move on already, you are no longer famous here. Anyhow, this was how I viewed graduation, and cared even less about the pomp and circumstance.

Well, back to B1. 18 and ready to graduate. She is starting to realize the magnitude of it all, yet has no idea what that really means. I think she is ready to go and yet feels the need to cling to my even movement. I actually did not take a class these next two weeks because I needed to be at home, just in case some "senior" activity was taking place. The whole "senior" week is so, so, so made up by those teachers who are still, literally and figuratively, in High school. Hey, when did "the prom" become "Prom." Oh, I better be careful, this too may go on my permanent record. What a joke. The seniors were warned that if they skipped school this last week, there would be no prom of 6 Flags- yippee- more time to skip and be real.

Ok, enough of the "American" experience. I have been really thinking how fast 18 yrs. go and still remember being 5 mo. pregnant and playing with silly string on New Years Eve. She was just a thought to us then, and now, an absolutely, amazing gift.

I haven't begun the tears yet, I will soon though...for tomorrow I see her conduct her first choir and will be so proud.

Dorm life and a New class

I have not been in a dorm in many, many, many years and I know why. It is surprising to me how a location like this can recapture- good and bad memories.

I am currently taking my last exegesis class, this time in Greek, over a two week period. Four hours a day, for nine days. Oh what joy!

I am staying up here because of traffic, gas cost, and well, it is just much more convenient. I can remember that feeling of loneliness and lostness and I feel for my daughter. What a time of growing up she has in front of her. I know kids do it all differently and some grow just by being, but I think this may be her way.

Well, the seminary here is very pretty, but I miss CUME. It has a special feel and environment. I so enjoy the people and the classes and faculty. Many people that I know have become such close friends. The evidence of God's grace is everywhere I look. Funny, I was so scared to go into the city and now, well I miss it and enjoy it.

I will be home for the weekend and back next week. This will put me one class less - 4 more to go!

Yeah!!!