Eighteen and other such BIG numbers

Well, my beautiful daughter turns eighteen this week and it hasn't quite hit me yet. Well, it has, its just I am maintaining equilibrium.

After much to do about math....she is graduating and completing her education (ha!). This is just bringing relief and malaise from her, but for her dad and me, it is a time to look back and remember. Oh, not her, this is about our graduation from high school.

I was thinking the other day that my senior year was just icky. I was so not there. I think I just was in limbo land. I did not want to move on in life, yet I was so sick of school. I thought about my memories, and I can only remember class day and graduation for my freshmen, sophomore, and junior years (I was in the choir and we got to attend class day and grad. in order to sing. These times I thought about those leaving. By the time it was my turn, I had been jaded by those that had returned to "visit" teachers. I thought this was so creepy-move on already, you are no longer famous here. Anyhow, this was how I viewed graduation, and cared even less about the pomp and circumstance.

Well, back to B1. 18 and ready to graduate. She is starting to realize the magnitude of it all, yet has no idea what that really means. I think she is ready to go and yet feels the need to cling to my even movement. I actually did not take a class these next two weeks because I needed to be at home, just in case some "senior" activity was taking place. The whole "senior" week is so, so, so made up by those teachers who are still, literally and figuratively, in High school. Hey, when did "the prom" become "Prom." Oh, I better be careful, this too may go on my permanent record. What a joke. The seniors were warned that if they skipped school this last week, there would be no prom of 6 Flags- yippee- more time to skip and be real.

Ok, enough of the "American" experience. I have been really thinking how fast 18 yrs. go and still remember being 5 mo. pregnant and playing with silly string on New Years Eve. She was just a thought to us then, and now, an absolutely, amazing gift.

I haven't begun the tears yet, I will soon though...for tomorrow I see her conduct her first choir and will be so proud.

Dorm life and a New class

I have not been in a dorm in many, many, many years and I know why. It is surprising to me how a location like this can recapture- good and bad memories.

I am currently taking my last exegesis class, this time in Greek, over a two week period. Four hours a day, for nine days. Oh what joy!

I am staying up here because of traffic, gas cost, and well, it is just much more convenient. I can remember that feeling of loneliness and lostness and I feel for my daughter. What a time of growing up she has in front of her. I know kids do it all differently and some grow just by being, but I think this may be her way.

Well, the seminary here is very pretty, but I miss CUME. It has a special feel and environment. I so enjoy the people and the classes and faculty. Many people that I know have become such close friends. The evidence of God's grace is everywhere I look. Funny, I was so scared to go into the city and now, well I miss it and enjoy it.

I will be home for the weekend and back next week. This will put me one class less - 4 more to go!

Yeah!!!

Vacation/Conference

I just returned from a leadership conference and vacation in West Palm Beach. My parents invited me down to a one day conference to see John Maxwell. It was a great conference, but the best part was spending the rest of the week with my mom and dad.

It is an interesting thing that transpires when you start caring for your parents. My parents are in great shape and are doing very well but I get to go and spend time hearing them and seeing them without the child-lens I grew up with. It is amazing to see them with an adults perspective and get the time alone with them I craved as a child.

We went to the beach and sat around the pool playing cribbage. We talked about God and our lives with Him. I saw their generosity and love for me everyday. The positive feedback I get from times like these will always be so special.

This time also makes my family appreciate me if only for a few minutes- then the payback is difficult for awhile as well.

At least I had time to regroup before my next class and let my brain go blank for a week or two. Actually, that is not true since I am busy translating Hebrews in order to be prepared for my class in May.

I am well rested and have had time to reflect on my third year of school and see and pray for what is ahead of me.

Fall

No, I am not mistaken- I know it is Spring, but I mean...fall- as in fall down the stairs, head first!

Yes, I did. Monday night I stepped off the top stair and my left knee collapsed and I fell forward- crashing my right knee on the steps, then falling more into the bottom stair with my right shoulder and arm and landing on my forehead on the slate floor. I rolled off and laid there thinking- it is impossible for me to be OK.

Well, I am OK. Actually, my knee is swollen and very sore- but not broken. My arm and shoulder are bruised and achy- but not broken. My head is sore and hurts after reading too much- but not cracked. Overall, my body feels like I fell a story down, but am in remarkable recovery as it goes.

Two thoughts-

1> Praise God! The Lord is my Protector doesn't even begin to cover it. I understand a calling is a calling, and we all have one...but this is way beyond. I only have missed a class this week and am up to date with all that is due. Again, miraculously.

2> Life is fragile. It brings new perspective every day. I must remember this blessing and greet others with the grace that has been extended to me. Grace, grace, grace. Why is it that we (me) have the critical radar on at all times, but understand what grace is? Because I am fragilely human, and love myself. I am grateful this morning to know- "a table is set before me in the presence of my enemies" and yet my cup overflows with His grace and blessings.

Thank you Lord! Again for another life lesson. God is good, all the time; all the time, God is good. And that is not circumstancial- it is eschatological!

Statistics

I am not a statition- I am not even good at math but I can prove that I know statistics probably better than most of the experts- for example:

• if there are multiple directions or paths for a vacuum to trail after you, it will always find the corner of a wall or bureau in which to get caught on


• if you have just finished cleaning the floor, someone will enter and trail in mud even if it hasn't rained in weeks


• statistically the vacuum will always be full- even if you emptied it yesterday


• if you are vacuuming the rug upstairs, the attachment will be downstairs and vice versa


• if you stick the last white load in the washer, you'll finally find that last dirty sock, 15 mins. too late


• the dishwasher will always be full and not started yet


• if you get in the shortest lane at the grocery store and you are in a hurry- it will take twice as long as the longest line there


• if you only need one thing to finish up a recipe, you'll go to the store and that will be the only thing they don't have

These are just a few things that drive me crazy. I swear that my vacuum is possessed and has a mind of its own. It is the one thing that can make me bonkers in just a few seconds. Why? I don't know- it just is so.

It is such a minor thing, but I will continue to add my statistical analysis to this blog. Do you have statistics to add?

Clergy Retreat

I am presently in New Hampshire at Pilgrim Pines with a bunch of Evangelical Covenant women clergy, on a retreat. I have connected to these women in a number of ways. These women are working as sole pastors, senior pastors and co-pastoring in churches and a few other organizations. I have been able to learn so much about what women pastors face and their daily struggles. They also have been a great source of encouragement. I needed this break right now- so much school work to do.

There have been a number of things that have been on my mind and I have been juggling with other issues. This has made me crancky! It is time though, always around spring- depression, allergies, and the lot. I hate spring. I know it is strange but it must be allergy induced. It is just at this time that I need to spend time being positive. While I am not sure I can vent right now, there are ways to say- Uggg! This time is yucky.

First, I am feeling a greater call to be in ministry. My schooling is almost done- a few more classes. But what to do. I need to pay attention to my feelings in all this, but I need to step up. That is difficult. I want people to approach me and it all to go easy, but it is not!

God is giving me grace to navigate some tricky issues. I will have to go out of who I regularly am. This will be new to me in some ways but painful because it reminds me of stepping out before, without good results. This is scary! I will be entering a new phase.

If you happen to pray- lift this up: That all of us that are working on our "ministry" [aka- motherhood, work, a specific ministry, school, et. al.] may be given the grace to continue what God has sent before us- and to be bold, when God asks us to step up!

It's Amazing

God has taken up our burden and Brittany is getting some substantial help with school next year. I believe it is a current day miracle. Other local schools would be cheaper but because of her desire to study music, this other school really is the best for her. We have been praying for God to open or close this door, and it looks like it is wide open now. What an amazing story for us. So, praise God!

Future

We are trying so hard to be good parents. It is like trying to see the future before we get there. B1 was accepted into college and now we wait for financial aid. And wait. We know what "our" plans are and what we desire, but is that really her future. Then, there is B2 my son, whom we need to place in an alternative school. He is going to struggle even more if things don't change. So, we had an interview at a private school today, and it is a long shot. It would be great for his future, again finances are even a longer shot.

I am just walking through the processes here. It is really all I can do. Pray- trying to convince God that this would be a great thing for both. Pray- trying to convince God that we know what is best. Pray- trying to let go and allow God to show us His future for our kids. Pray.

Parenting. The Future. I am so glad I did not know when my children came I did not know the future. Isn't that funny, now I want the future, but could not have handled it then. Hmmm?

Entitlement

I am starting my next sermon for the spring term and the subject is "entitlement." This type of sermon is a bit different since it starts with the subject and then I need to find the appropriate text in which this is spoken about. I am finding it difficult. No concordance lists all the text on "entitlement"- just kinding, not even a glance. But then that means I have to approach this a different way. I am starting to think about this subject though:

What is it that makes most "Christians" feeled entitled? I think it stems from the fact that we believe our Christianity gives us the right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." This confuses us. We have taken this Americanism and mixed it with the gospel so that the issues we face are decided and debated with this in mind. So "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" becomes about divorce and abortion, and every other issues that makes Christianity complex. If we can say that we've made a decision because "it makes us happy, and God wants us happy" this is improper exegesis- at least of the correct text. Where in your Bible does it say- you are entitled to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." If my husband doesn't make me happy anymore- I can file for divorce and explain how he emotionally neglected me to my small group and get comforted and encouraged. It is so not right.
OK, so here is the entitlement thing. We American Christians think we are entitled to "xyz" because God wants us happy! I can think of a few places where Paul was not a happy person. He actually gave his life and liberty to save people. Obviously Jesus did the same. No where in the New Testament do we get this. So, back to my text... This is harder to pinpoint than I thought.

So, do you see my dilemma? If you have any feedback, let me know.

Last fall...

This was only a few months ago, but such an important moment in our lives and his. He is now serving with us in our worship team playing the guitar. Such a big deal for him. He is not exactly the most outgoing guy in the word. In fact, he's got to be the opposite of his sister. Funny guy, but more reserved in public. We are thrilled that he is stepping up and spending this time with us.

B & B

Ah kids...

I am blessed to have two great kids. B1 is finishing up her senior year and B2 is in his freshman year. B1 is taking a class at our community college and is getting ready for college next year. We are praying that she is ready and will be going to Florida for Music.

B2 is more excited about Driver's Ed.

They have been so supportive of me in school and have been busy trying to do housework and chores to aid in the running of the house. Sometimes I wonder how it happened that they "get it" and help out. Why am I surprised? I have no idea why though.

There is still so much to do though. B1 has struggled with math and will not graduate unless she passes the college math course. It seems like an uphill battle, always. I have been pondering why my children are slow to grow up and become independent. I think sometimes the lack of me allowing them to run off to this and that and go with anyone, has led them to be more home bodies. We have been very careful how they spend their time, but with that, they have not had much opportunity to create their own way as of yet. While other kids are hanging around, mine are at home for movie night with us. I do not mind at all. It is just that I need to find ways to help them develop their independence and personal responsible decision making.

Again, I am just pondering. I am thankful that we all have such a good relationship.

Again, I still am waiting for the other "shoe" to drop and it all falls away. Why do I have to assume such rebellion. Many years ago, someone told me that all kids do not need to rebel, but I still have my doubts. I think rebellion also can take many forms and I pray that my children can exercise their independence in positive and healthy ways that stretch them and cause them to grow more in their own relationship to God and self.

Any thoughts?

Sabbath rest

I have been in recovery from post-semester breakdown. I so needed this winter term off. I am in sunny Florida visiting my parents. Unfortunately it hasn't been all that sunny or warm. Anyhow, it has given me time to rest. What besides school work that gets me at this time...well, I think it is general MDiv uggh. It happens when you become so engrossed in studying about God, that He becomes a subject and not a relationship. What to do? Stop and recover...spend time refocusing, prayer and remembrance why I am doing this. Speaking of doing this...I have made the next step toward finding my call and have put it out there. Now I wait, but at least I was brave enough to move forward even if that means rejection. Thank You God that you are big enough for this.

Dean and his real self

http://www.scroogeyourself.com/?id=1217928363

our family elfed!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1217424058

Kitty woo and free election

My new kitty was on my lap today and I was thinking how this is a perfect illustration of God and free will and election.

We went to the animal hospital in my area to look at a flame point siamese that was advertised on petfinder. I thought we could take a look after church. When we walked in, they escorted us to a small room with two cats in cages and I immediately saw my new kitty. It wasn't the one we came to see, but his unadvertised sister- a torti point. I had been asking God for this for awhile and here she was. We took her home and it has been fantastic.

While she sat on my lap, I realized this is how the election argument is presented. God walks in to the small room and chooses us because He wants to. I choose Kitty Woo based on her looks- I didn't know her personality. But here is where I differ...while I choose Kitty Woo, she had to respond somehow in order for us to have a relationship. After time spent with her, she follows me around and as soon as I sit down, she jumps up and curls on my lap. For me, election is a both/and argument. I don't think I have anything in me that 1st pursued God- He came to me but I did respond. Why? I don't know why? Did I still have some area of uncorrupted reason- no, but why then? This is one area that I know cannot be solved by theologians today and am glad I can just love God without it.

A friend from church and school and I were talking about the follow through that seems lacking from a popular preacher who is communication vision about the need to follow through with social justice issues and oppression. It is a great thing he is doing, but at some point there needs to be a "surrender" and a choice. This is what Kitty Woo illustrated to me, Not some lofty talk about theology and Calvinism vs. Armenianism, but real life in our community that is reflecting a love for people and creation that is based on God's act of redemption. We need to reflect God's love through our choosing to be with people just because God loved us first. We need to walk the balance between sharing the full gospel and working with the community to reverse oppression and bring justice and reflect God's mercy.

All this because of Kitty Woo. Who knew God could use a cat to teach me these intense lessons I listen to in seminary.

this quote...is it legitimate today?

Everyone knows the quote from St. Francis Assisi "Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words." But do we really understand it and if it still correct for today.

St. Francis Assisi lived in another time and place, quite different than where we live today. First of all, his identity was defined in that culture due to his office in the church. All would recognize him as a "man of God" just because of the age in which he lived (monks, nuns, and the church). He could come into a town and minister along side people where they would recognize his "calling" and office as directed from the church. There was no hiding his purpose or mission.

Here was his missional statement for ministry:

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

We are not there today!

When we minister alongside our community, we have no distinquishining marks (white collar, black clothes, robes) that mark our identification with a church or religion. We are just like everyone else. Therefore, our context may not be understood by those receiving our "works."

OK, this is why this quote bugs me as people quote it today. What this implies is that we should work alongside others without the need to preach. And by "preach" I mean- tell of the gospel: salvation and the good news.

Here is another quote from St. Francis...

While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.

He is also advocating preaching with words. His 1st quote therefore does not exclude preaching with words. Today people take this quote and use it to justify their work in the community without the need to proclaim the gospel.

Here I go...this is a "both and" debate! We need to proclaim the gospel with both our works and our words. This problem with this is that it is difficult. We may not get written up or get great feedback. We actually may get negative backlash. I know...their is a negative connotation to going into a community with an agenda...but there has to be a way to emphasize both.

I am struggling with this. I want to continue with this struggle. But my point is....are we really doing ALL that is necessary to reach our community both with our works and or words.

What are we talking about?

Is it possible that we American Christians so fooled into thinking that we need to judge our behavior against others and not against Scripture? I attended a meeting that it seemed that we needed to forgive our teens stuff because they aren't as bad as the other kids. I am all about forgiveness...this is not the point. But are we so immature as adult Christians as to think we should be OK with teens that mess up because at least it is not as bad as them! I think not. I know teens will mess up, hey we do as adults all the time but we cannot become Pharisitical. That is to judge our actions and deeds according to the holiness richter scale. Is this what Jesus fought hard to illustrate? We are not supposed to just measure up to these outward standards in order to be OK. If I interpret my actions in accordance to what others do, I fail all the time and neglect the working of the Holy Spirit. My soul must be clean by remaining in continued relationship to God. It is about my actions being guided by God. If I only rely on the standards set by the world...I am not representing God or CHRISTianity. 1 Jn. 2:3-11: If you really know me, you'll obey my commands....my Word...and walk as Jesus walked...by loving your brother. All our actions are based against this.

Hey, just a thought.

Struggling

What happens when you are confronted with issues that push your beliefs and challenge the way you live and act? What happens is that you either choose to grow or remain stuck. I am confronted with the prospect of choosing my future based on my past. I have been looking at my future, trying to fit in to a church and life after seminary. What am I afraid of?

My God is big and totally able to deal with me and where I need to be. I am afraid of not knowing and being hurt because of it.

God- I need to seek you, not the future. Please provide me with You.

family and cost

My children are right now "jamming" their way through some melody or another. My son is on his electric guitar and my daughter is on the baby grand piano. What a way to communicate. They started playing the same thing but now both are practicing their lessons (at the same time). I guess that is what we get for supporting their musical gifts. God made music and they are both being creative with this gift. They are not competing for sound, just lost in the beauty of confusion I guess.

well, off to finish my "incarnation" of Beyond Cheap Grace. Great book- makes you wonder why it has taken so long for this to be realized in the 20th century- now into the 21st. It is so easy to give away something cheaply if you did not pay for it yourself. For the most part, we as American Christians have not had to "pay" for their faith. That is probably why we are in the "decline" in faith that is not happening elsewhere.

The question then is...Am I ready for costly discipleship? I think I am but what does that mean for me in a white, middle class church? How does that translate from sitting in the pews and consuming to engaging people in order to show the vision of Jesus- to walk as He walked.

Day Off

This is what my husband does, but it is also who he is. Creative and loving. I am approaching 19 yrs. of marriage with this wonderful guy and am overwelmed with the feeling of surprise. I am surprised that love meant this; I am surprised, that comparitively, I didn't "love" him on the day of our wedding; I am surprised that this is turning out so good; I am surprised that God loves me so much that he brought us two together. Thank You!

October really means "fall" to us- It represents the death of one way of living (single) and the hope of renewing life each year. We also seem to "fall" in love over and over again.