I work at my church. I participate in the planning meetings. I understand the concepts and the sermon series. I don't connect though. Why?
I am wondering out loud, why do I not feel what others feel during our services- is there something wrong with me?
I sat in staff meeting today hearing how the series impacted those in our community and I felt nothing. It is not that I don't care about what others feel- that I do care, but for myself- nothing. It is a general malaise. Maybe the planning aspect, or the seminary training, or my self study actually blocks me from hearing from God. I have heard that seminary students have trouble listening to a sermon after their training because they are listening with critical ears. I listen to hear the in depth clues and Greek terms that will help me see the scriptures more clearly. This may be preventing me from experiencing the big picture. I don't go for feelings in a sermon, but the textual issues and Greek words that frame God's word. It is not right or wrong, just stumping me.
I am disconnecting from the emotional connections in my community because...? Because I am so involved in the tasks, I forget to stop- shabat! I have known this and have tried to build community in staff and other leaders, but here I go again task oriented....Arrg!
I have been disconnecting from a lot lately. I think it has been difficult to deal with all that goes on in my life and others. I am constantly running- running away? running to? Hmmm?
Just thinking out loud here and wonder if anyone thinks like me.
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where I dream...
1 comment:
Hello. You're not alone out there. I'm not sure it's seminary either, though I'm sure it doesn't help. Did you get my email awhile back? I was thinking aloud too. I thought maybe I'd hear back from you after it, which is why I wondered if you got it.
This past week a friend from church called me. She's smart, and passionate, and wants to communicate her faith. But she's young, and has a house full of little ones. Listening to her tires me out. She is busy tilting with church windmills. I want to tell her how little all of this matters, but I don't want to hurt her or make her feel jaded.
I don't know if I've learned to choose my battles, or if I've given up the fight. I don't know if God is stripping me of extraneous things, or if I am just becoming apathetic. I guess time will tell.
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