Am I disconnected?

I work at my church. I participate in the planning meetings. I understand the concepts and the sermon series. I don't connect though. Why?

I am wondering out loud, why do I not feel what others feel during our services- is there something wrong with me?

I sat in staff meeting today hearing how the series impacted those in our community and I felt nothing. It is not that I don't care about what others feel- that I do care, but for myself- nothing. It is a general malaise. Maybe the planning aspect, or the seminary training, or my self study actually blocks me from hearing from God. I have heard that seminary students have trouble listening to a sermon after their training because they are listening with critical ears. I listen to hear the in depth clues and Greek terms that will help me see the scriptures more clearly. This may be preventing me from experiencing the big picture. I don't go for feelings in a sermon, but the textual issues and Greek words that frame God's word. It is not right or wrong, just stumping me.

I am disconnecting from the emotional connections in my community because...? Because I am so involved in the tasks, I forget to stop- shabat! I have known this and have tried to build community in staff and other leaders, but here I go again task oriented....Arrg!

I have been disconnecting from a lot lately. I think it has been difficult to deal with all that goes on in my life and others. I am constantly running- running away? running to? Hmmm?

Just thinking out loud here and wonder if anyone thinks like me.

Passages

A new thing: http://www.passagesatchristchurch.blogspot.com/

I have joined forces with other women in my church to launch a new thing. This is a new thing because we are creating a way for women to come together in alrger community to study God' Word with teaching in a small group format. We've combined the small group concept with a larger teaching section and worship-for the purpose of community.

I have been amazed at the way God has worked this all out. Why am I amazed-because I am surprised at my cooperativeness and lack of stubborness.

Yeah- I do not have all the answers. This collaboration was met with conflict and personality angst. I had to reframe my vision to allow others to shape and form their vision. Why is this vital? The product of this collaboration is so much bigger than what I could have done on my own. God graciously allowed my vision to actually come into fruition because of the ideas and vision of others. I simply tagged along. Now-this new thing has been birthed and we are off.

I desire for people (in this case women) to be transformed by God, His Word and Spirit. I want others to take joy from sitting at Jesus' feet and learning about the Kingdom of God. The life I live better reflect all my study or it is done in vain. For too long, I have observed others who have spent Wed. mornings in study after study- only to change themselves and not the larger community. I think this may have to do with my view of Kingdom building. As we are transformed, we affect those around us- both within the community of God and outside it. This is imperative. I am not questioning others transformation- but when we study for the purpose of gaining knowledge only and don't impact others- what are we really doing?

This new thing will be built around teaching others to learn for themselves. We will be giving the women readings and questions that will allow them to learn and study any other passage in Scripture later on. What a concept! Teaching how to learn! This is not new to anyone who loves God's Kingdom people. Transformation is done by the Spirit and not the teacher-but sometimes we get the privilege of pointing people toward that process. Yeah! :)

I pray for this new thing that we become contagious to those outside our community in order draw then in. Let's be the Kingdom of God that loves-reaches out and impacts their lives.

Is this too much to dream of....well, it is not my dream-so it is God that will bring His will to pass!

My First Wedding

I just officiated my first wedding. It was so great. Kelly and Mike were terrific and I was so blessed by their appreciation. This was a very real highlight to me- and confirmed to my husband, my calling. There is nothing like it when your passion meets God's calling.

So, besides real changes like my daughter in college, my life continues to astound me. What is it about moving along with God that changed your perspective every day.

How has God changed you this summer?

It's all NEW

Well, dropped off the oldest this past week for college. My husband and I are reflecting about the "feeling" we have. It is an overstatement to say this feeling is akin to losing someone to death, but it seems a close second. Now, I know that may seem over dramatic, but it definately is a loss. I said that it feels like I lost something very valuable (sentimental and familiar) and I will never have it back- but it does still exist somewhere. My husband said that he agreed with me, but for him it feels like the thing lost is just somewhere in the house and he just cannot find it. Last night, I started to ask when was my daughter getting home from work. It is just that this is all new.

Again, we dropped off my daughter this past wkk for college and she did not even turn around to wave as we left. For her, this is all new. She has a new beginning and life to live, it's just us parents and sibling left with this "feeling." Ahh, but does it have to hurt? She is blissfully unaware that we feel anything (OK, I admit I cried in front of her a week ago). Our lives stop to her- I remember what this was like when I went away. It is all just so new.

I guess all new moments have to change us someway. They have to change us from one emotion to another in order for us to realize something is different. If we are happy and peacefully content, we will not know we are like that until something rocks the boat. It is similarly like that. We were enjoying it all, until this shift- and the sadness seems to highlight the past 18 years of joy. Not that parenting this child is all done, but that it is just so new.

I am thankful for the opportunity to watch a child leave on healthy terms and wait in anticipation for the woman she will become, but for now, its all so new, and it hurts a bit.

Eighteen and other such BIG numbers

Well, my beautiful daughter turns eighteen this week and it hasn't quite hit me yet. Well, it has, its just I am maintaining equilibrium.

After much to do about math....she is graduating and completing her education (ha!). This is just bringing relief and malaise from her, but for her dad and me, it is a time to look back and remember. Oh, not her, this is about our graduation from high school.

I was thinking the other day that my senior year was just icky. I was so not there. I think I just was in limbo land. I did not want to move on in life, yet I was so sick of school. I thought about my memories, and I can only remember class day and graduation for my freshmen, sophomore, and junior years (I was in the choir and we got to attend class day and grad. in order to sing. These times I thought about those leaving. By the time it was my turn, I had been jaded by those that had returned to "visit" teachers. I thought this was so creepy-move on already, you are no longer famous here. Anyhow, this was how I viewed graduation, and cared even less about the pomp and circumstance.

Well, back to B1. 18 and ready to graduate. She is starting to realize the magnitude of it all, yet has no idea what that really means. I think she is ready to go and yet feels the need to cling to my even movement. I actually did not take a class these next two weeks because I needed to be at home, just in case some "senior" activity was taking place. The whole "senior" week is so, so, so made up by those teachers who are still, literally and figuratively, in High school. Hey, when did "the prom" become "Prom." Oh, I better be careful, this too may go on my permanent record. What a joke. The seniors were warned that if they skipped school this last week, there would be no prom of 6 Flags- yippee- more time to skip and be real.

Ok, enough of the "American" experience. I have been really thinking how fast 18 yrs. go and still remember being 5 mo. pregnant and playing with silly string on New Years Eve. She was just a thought to us then, and now, an absolutely, amazing gift.

I haven't begun the tears yet, I will soon though...for tomorrow I see her conduct her first choir and will be so proud.

Dorm life and a New class

I have not been in a dorm in many, many, many years and I know why. It is surprising to me how a location like this can recapture- good and bad memories.

I am currently taking my last exegesis class, this time in Greek, over a two week period. Four hours a day, for nine days. Oh what joy!

I am staying up here because of traffic, gas cost, and well, it is just much more convenient. I can remember that feeling of loneliness and lostness and I feel for my daughter. What a time of growing up she has in front of her. I know kids do it all differently and some grow just by being, but I think this may be her way.

Well, the seminary here is very pretty, but I miss CUME. It has a special feel and environment. I so enjoy the people and the classes and faculty. Many people that I know have become such close friends. The evidence of God's grace is everywhere I look. Funny, I was so scared to go into the city and now, well I miss it and enjoy it.

I will be home for the weekend and back next week. This will put me one class less - 4 more to go!

Yeah!!!

Vacation/Conference

I just returned from a leadership conference and vacation in West Palm Beach. My parents invited me down to a one day conference to see John Maxwell. It was a great conference, but the best part was spending the rest of the week with my mom and dad.

It is an interesting thing that transpires when you start caring for your parents. My parents are in great shape and are doing very well but I get to go and spend time hearing them and seeing them without the child-lens I grew up with. It is amazing to see them with an adults perspective and get the time alone with them I craved as a child.

We went to the beach and sat around the pool playing cribbage. We talked about God and our lives with Him. I saw their generosity and love for me everyday. The positive feedback I get from times like these will always be so special.

This time also makes my family appreciate me if only for a few minutes- then the payback is difficult for awhile as well.

At least I had time to regroup before my next class and let my brain go blank for a week or two. Actually, that is not true since I am busy translating Hebrews in order to be prepared for my class in May.

I am well rested and have had time to reflect on my third year of school and see and pray for what is ahead of me.

Fall

No, I am not mistaken- I know it is Spring, but I mean...fall- as in fall down the stairs, head first!

Yes, I did. Monday night I stepped off the top stair and my left knee collapsed and I fell forward- crashing my right knee on the steps, then falling more into the bottom stair with my right shoulder and arm and landing on my forehead on the slate floor. I rolled off and laid there thinking- it is impossible for me to be OK.

Well, I am OK. Actually, my knee is swollen and very sore- but not broken. My arm and shoulder are bruised and achy- but not broken. My head is sore and hurts after reading too much- but not cracked. Overall, my body feels like I fell a story down, but am in remarkable recovery as it goes.

Two thoughts-

1> Praise God! The Lord is my Protector doesn't even begin to cover it. I understand a calling is a calling, and we all have one...but this is way beyond. I only have missed a class this week and am up to date with all that is due. Again, miraculously.

2> Life is fragile. It brings new perspective every day. I must remember this blessing and greet others with the grace that has been extended to me. Grace, grace, grace. Why is it that we (me) have the critical radar on at all times, but understand what grace is? Because I am fragilely human, and love myself. I am grateful this morning to know- "a table is set before me in the presence of my enemies" and yet my cup overflows with His grace and blessings.

Thank you Lord! Again for another life lesson. God is good, all the time; all the time, God is good. And that is not circumstancial- it is eschatological!

Statistics

I am not a statition- I am not even good at math but I can prove that I know statistics probably better than most of the experts- for example:

• if there are multiple directions or paths for a vacuum to trail after you, it will always find the corner of a wall or bureau in which to get caught on


• if you have just finished cleaning the floor, someone will enter and trail in mud even if it hasn't rained in weeks


• statistically the vacuum will always be full- even if you emptied it yesterday


• if you are vacuuming the rug upstairs, the attachment will be downstairs and vice versa


• if you stick the last white load in the washer, you'll finally find that last dirty sock, 15 mins. too late


• the dishwasher will always be full and not started yet


• if you get in the shortest lane at the grocery store and you are in a hurry- it will take twice as long as the longest line there


• if you only need one thing to finish up a recipe, you'll go to the store and that will be the only thing they don't have

These are just a few things that drive me crazy. I swear that my vacuum is possessed and has a mind of its own. It is the one thing that can make me bonkers in just a few seconds. Why? I don't know- it just is so.

It is such a minor thing, but I will continue to add my statistical analysis to this blog. Do you have statistics to add?

Clergy Retreat

I am presently in New Hampshire at Pilgrim Pines with a bunch of Evangelical Covenant women clergy, on a retreat. I have connected to these women in a number of ways. These women are working as sole pastors, senior pastors and co-pastoring in churches and a few other organizations. I have been able to learn so much about what women pastors face and their daily struggles. They also have been a great source of encouragement. I needed this break right now- so much school work to do.

There have been a number of things that have been on my mind and I have been juggling with other issues. This has made me crancky! It is time though, always around spring- depression, allergies, and the lot. I hate spring. I know it is strange but it must be allergy induced. It is just at this time that I need to spend time being positive. While I am not sure I can vent right now, there are ways to say- Uggg! This time is yucky.

First, I am feeling a greater call to be in ministry. My schooling is almost done- a few more classes. But what to do. I need to pay attention to my feelings in all this, but I need to step up. That is difficult. I want people to approach me and it all to go easy, but it is not!

God is giving me grace to navigate some tricky issues. I will have to go out of who I regularly am. This will be new to me in some ways but painful because it reminds me of stepping out before, without good results. This is scary! I will be entering a new phase.

If you happen to pray- lift this up: That all of us that are working on our "ministry" [aka- motherhood, work, a specific ministry, school, et. al.] may be given the grace to continue what God has sent before us- and to be bold, when God asks us to step up!

It's Amazing

God has taken up our burden and Brittany is getting some substantial help with school next year. I believe it is a current day miracle. Other local schools would be cheaper but because of her desire to study music, this other school really is the best for her. We have been praying for God to open or close this door, and it looks like it is wide open now. What an amazing story for us. So, praise God!

Future

We are trying so hard to be good parents. It is like trying to see the future before we get there. B1 was accepted into college and now we wait for financial aid. And wait. We know what "our" plans are and what we desire, but is that really her future. Then, there is B2 my son, whom we need to place in an alternative school. He is going to struggle even more if things don't change. So, we had an interview at a private school today, and it is a long shot. It would be great for his future, again finances are even a longer shot.

I am just walking through the processes here. It is really all I can do. Pray- trying to convince God that this would be a great thing for both. Pray- trying to convince God that we know what is best. Pray- trying to let go and allow God to show us His future for our kids. Pray.

Parenting. The Future. I am so glad I did not know when my children came I did not know the future. Isn't that funny, now I want the future, but could not have handled it then. Hmmm?

Entitlement

I am starting my next sermon for the spring term and the subject is "entitlement." This type of sermon is a bit different since it starts with the subject and then I need to find the appropriate text in which this is spoken about. I am finding it difficult. No concordance lists all the text on "entitlement"- just kinding, not even a glance. But then that means I have to approach this a different way. I am starting to think about this subject though:

What is it that makes most "Christians" feeled entitled? I think it stems from the fact that we believe our Christianity gives us the right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." This confuses us. We have taken this Americanism and mixed it with the gospel so that the issues we face are decided and debated with this in mind. So "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" becomes about divorce and abortion, and every other issues that makes Christianity complex. If we can say that we've made a decision because "it makes us happy, and God wants us happy" this is improper exegesis- at least of the correct text. Where in your Bible does it say- you are entitled to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." If my husband doesn't make me happy anymore- I can file for divorce and explain how he emotionally neglected me to my small group and get comforted and encouraged. It is so not right.
OK, so here is the entitlement thing. We American Christians think we are entitled to "xyz" because God wants us happy! I can think of a few places where Paul was not a happy person. He actually gave his life and liberty to save people. Obviously Jesus did the same. No where in the New Testament do we get this. So, back to my text... This is harder to pinpoint than I thought.

So, do you see my dilemma? If you have any feedback, let me know.

Last fall...

This was only a few months ago, but such an important moment in our lives and his. He is now serving with us in our worship team playing the guitar. Such a big deal for him. He is not exactly the most outgoing guy in the word. In fact, he's got to be the opposite of his sister. Funny guy, but more reserved in public. We are thrilled that he is stepping up and spending this time with us.

B & B

Ah kids...

I am blessed to have two great kids. B1 is finishing up her senior year and B2 is in his freshman year. B1 is taking a class at our community college and is getting ready for college next year. We are praying that she is ready and will be going to Florida for Music.

B2 is more excited about Driver's Ed.

They have been so supportive of me in school and have been busy trying to do housework and chores to aid in the running of the house. Sometimes I wonder how it happened that they "get it" and help out. Why am I surprised? I have no idea why though.

There is still so much to do though. B1 has struggled with math and will not graduate unless she passes the college math course. It seems like an uphill battle, always. I have been pondering why my children are slow to grow up and become independent. I think sometimes the lack of me allowing them to run off to this and that and go with anyone, has led them to be more home bodies. We have been very careful how they spend their time, but with that, they have not had much opportunity to create their own way as of yet. While other kids are hanging around, mine are at home for movie night with us. I do not mind at all. It is just that I need to find ways to help them develop their independence and personal responsible decision making.

Again, I am just pondering. I am thankful that we all have such a good relationship.

Again, I still am waiting for the other "shoe" to drop and it all falls away. Why do I have to assume such rebellion. Many years ago, someone told me that all kids do not need to rebel, but I still have my doubts. I think rebellion also can take many forms and I pray that my children can exercise their independence in positive and healthy ways that stretch them and cause them to grow more in their own relationship to God and self.

Any thoughts?

Sabbath rest

I have been in recovery from post-semester breakdown. I so needed this winter term off. I am in sunny Florida visiting my parents. Unfortunately it hasn't been all that sunny or warm. Anyhow, it has given me time to rest. What besides school work that gets me at this time...well, I think it is general MDiv uggh. It happens when you become so engrossed in studying about God, that He becomes a subject and not a relationship. What to do? Stop and recover...spend time refocusing, prayer and remembrance why I am doing this. Speaking of doing this...I have made the next step toward finding my call and have put it out there. Now I wait, but at least I was brave enough to move forward even if that means rejection. Thank You God that you are big enough for this.